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Here is a thing I wrote for a website last year but they didn’t publish it because the spelling and grammar was too appalling to edit. I don’t think it’s that bad but I wrote it and clearly thought it was correct at the time.
Joel Dommett in 2002.
I was a strange child. I was obsessed with two things; Tae Kwon Do (for those unaware this is a martial art (Why is it art I hear you ask, well I challenge anyone to see my front snap kick against a mugger with a gun and call it anything but art. Posthumously obviously), and Nu Metal (for those of you unaware this is a form of rock/rap/metal/emo music that happened where drug addled lead singers with cool hair were hailed as legends. Posthumously obviously).
Lets start with the music. I was in a band. First things first we needed a name. Like our heroes ‘Korn’ and ‘Papa Roach’ we needed a title that was cool but meant nothing because of course there is nothing more uncool then spending time thinking of a cool name. Our drummer Nic Bennett (he dropped the k because of course there is nothing more uncool than a k) suggested Sirus. This was obviously pre Miley so it sounded ok but to be sure of coolness we added a silent P. Psirus. we were called Psirus. Clearly we didn’t know psoriasis was a thing.
Our first gig was at Rockhampton Cricket Pavilion. We all know there is nothing more rock and roll than a pavilion. We (i say we.. my mum mostly) organised it so we headlined it. Obviously. We had my friend Alex Platt DJ at the start because he said he could ‘scratch’ and another friend Tom Bradley and his band went on before us. When Toms band started the inevitable happened with a group of 13 year olds listening to rock music in a pavilion. Moshing. If you are unaware of the procedure of moshing then please do go down to your local dingy (I once confused dingy with dinghy. Absolutely no moshing is allowed at a dinghy (boat) club) club and jump in a ‘pit’. It is the process of sweaty kids (and for some reason usually one bearded slightly too aggressive adult) bumping into each other and jumping around essentially ‘dancing’ but YOU MUST NEVER CALL IT DANCING. So the moshing commenced and I will never forget my mum looking at me from the self made ticket booth and her mouthing to me “whats happening?!”. I realised that she must think Rockhampton Cricket Club’s first riot has just started so i mouthed “dancing mum” so as to help her understand. I then watched her try to slowly copy the ‘dancing’ in the booth by herself.
As all this was happening our bassist Holly Black was panicking. Yes we had a lady bassist. Thats how cool we were. We wanted a sexy bassist like Coal Chamber (anyone?.. no? ok) but the sexiness plan had failed when she realised that she didn’t know any of the baselines because she spent the last three months in practice turning her bass low enough that nobody noticed she didn’t know the songs and had focused entirely on looking like a cool bassist. Our Guitarist Alex Gregory jumped into help and taught her the basics in the cricket changing rooms amongst pads and plastic protective penis cups (I’m not sure of their real name). During the gig she still didn’t know the parts but she really did make us look pretty darn incredible.
We opened with a cover of Korn’s song Blind. But not the whole song just the intro which requires me to shout “are you reeeeaaaddyyyy” into the microphone. I have a fairly big problem being the lead singer/screamer of a Nu Metal band. I could not sing and I cannot scream. So instead I sort of… yelped? This managed to escape the attention of the band because i also turned down my volume enough so i could concentrate on looking cool while singing. So far our band was 50% cool looking 50% loud with a name like a skin disease. It was how I imagine someone would sing if they were being brutally tortured and forced to sing in a cruel entertainment for the captors.
We then moved on to our songs we had written. These included various angsty Nu Metal titles such as ‘Albino Black Sheep’ (I’m not even joking) and ‘As I Walk by’ which included lyrics such as “as I walk by people leading fake lives”. Angst. Bare in mind the worst thing that had happened to me in life to date was when my mum didn’t give me a lift into town.
We were going to end on another cover, the legendary Papa Roach’s ‘Last Resort’. Featuring lyrics such as ‘cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort’. ANGST! I announced.. “Guys this is our last song.. This is Papa Roach Last Resort”. The crowd of friends and family (I think my granny was there) cheered! Then Alex Gregory the guitarist shouted above the cheers “NO!…. My fingers hurt”. And that was the end of the gig.
There was an article in the Thornbury Gazette about it. In the article it says ‘”they were a huge success” said Freya Gregory. Freya was Alex’s mum.
Joel has had a hugely exciting career since starting stand up comedy in 2007. He was the face of MTV in 2012 and presented their daily news bulletins.
He also worked on the live new Channel 4 aftershow, Live in Chelsea, How to Survive a Disaster Movie (Channel 5) and the hugely successful Impractical Jokers (BBC3).
Joel is one of the fastest rising stars on the UK comedy circuit having gained rave reviews for his debut solo Edinburgh show, Neon Hero, in 2011 and second show ‘Nunchuck Silver Medallist 2002‘ in 2012.
Joel has since performed stand up on Russell Howard’s Good News on BBC Three and has numerous acting credits to his name, including Popatron on BBC Two and Skins on E4.
‘Manically funny act’ – ★★★★★
‘Hilarious.. delightful tales’ – ★★★★★